The time is now – All I have is this moment

The time is now. All I have is this moment. 

Did I wake up one day and realize that I hated the life I built? Not quite…

I was living on autopilot, trying to appease my family, and getting everyone to like me. And if I sensed that you did not like me, I was determined to prove that I am good and should be liked. It’s exhausting but it was the norm.

Growing up, I was taught that being nice was the way. I was told to be like the other kids while also not comparing myself to them. I was taught to strive for perfection and have it all together even when it was not reality. The truth was rejected.

From a young age, I learned that my truth was not accepted, and I was mostly on my own. I needed to adhere to the dysfunction hierarchy of the family. Staying in line with the family’s dynamic was of upmost importance. Feelings were not talked about, and children were to be seen, not heard.

For many years, I went through life with this foundation until the weight became too heavy and collapsed like a house of cards. I hit rock bottom and the house I had built was left in ruins. 

Once you are cracked open, you cannot go back to the previous life, it is an unmanageable situation. I have found that the willingness to acknowledge and accept that the house collapsed while looking through the ruins is the way. Being vulnerable allows me to start identifying what I am feeling, and what I really want out of life. As I am increasingly willing to share in safe spaces, I start to come out of denial and can be honest with myself. It is by no means perfect, and the more I practice the better I become. 

Trauma is the source. Fear and shame have dictated most of my life and it still does most of the time. As I am slowly looking through my house ruins, I can start to gently reparent myself, with the love my younger self needed. 

Previously, I have tried willing myself to change, using substances to numb and build a life opposite from my family of origin, none of it worked. I tried running away but the trauma still followed me because it lodged in my body. My willingness to be vulnerable has been the solution for me.